Voices.sg

I returned home to find Rascal sitting on the bed, looking like Captain Jack Sparrow on The Black Pearl: slightly wet, handsomely shaggy, and surrounded by flotsam.

Except I suspect even the half-mad pirate has more brains than to dally in these murky waters in my flooded room.

Rascal had ripped a water pipe off the floor. What type of dog destroys a reinforced PVC pipe? Apparently Rascal is no Beverly Hills Chihuahua. And he was eager to prove it.

I was tempted to shove the pipe down his throat. But you don’t mess with a dog like that. So I did the next best thing: I called the plumber.

“Yes, hi, I need a plumber.”

“Ok,” replied a gruff voice.

“Erm.. Ok..” What do you say to a monosyllabic man who wields a wrench for a living? Probably less than you would to a dog who can tear a pipe off the floor. “Do you need my address?”

“Ok,” the voice said again. As I was about to rattle off my postal code, he continued: “But first, you have to get 100,000 people to sign a petition for me to fix your pipe.”

“What? You need 100,000 what??” I started to wonder if I was getting seasick, with all that brownish water sloshing about my ankles. “Why do you need 100,000 signatures to fix a bloody pipe?”

“I need to know you really want change,” he replied, matter-of-factly. “I don’t need to [do this]. I have enough money and I lead a simple life. I travel by bus and MRT even though I can afford a car. So what’s the point? I don’t need this kind of trouble.”

“I will only do it if enough people want me to lead. If Singaporeans want change, they must have a stake in it and show their commitment by putting down their names. I cannot do this without strong support,” he adds.

That has got to be the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard since, well, forever.

I hung up, thinking where in the world I was going to get 100,000 people to care whether my pipe gets fixed.

For that matter, why would 100,000 Singaporeans care if Tan Kin Lian runs for president? Why should we? After all, he is as likely to succeed where Ong Teng Cheong failed in overcoming the hegemonic machinery as Rascal is likely to ever turn into a well-behaved showdog: virtually impossible.

Even if Tan does become president, 100,000 people will be disappointed to find their efforts have merely contributed to electing yet another president who makes but a few public appearances each year to wave at us. It’s not Tan’s fault: it simply takes more than one man – even as president – to make a change.

Forget 100,000 signatures, Tan only needs 100. Bah, all right, make that 10. If Tan Kin Lian can gather just 10 capable Singaporeans committed to making a change, he might be in for a shout. Instead of the presidential elections, this Singaporean Ocean’s 11 can mount a serious challenge at the general elections.

Remember: 100,000 will do wonders for the ego, but just 10 could make a true difference. Sparta only needed 300 men, why the hell do we need a hundred thousand? We are a pragmatic bunch. Show us an opposition team that is more credible than a motley crew of Kangaroo t-shirt activists, and then you’ll have yourself more than 100,000 supporters faster than Rascal can run with the tail between his legs when I screamed at him like a banshee on heat.

Otherwise, I’ll just have to keep swimming in the shit while the plumber acts like he’s some bigwig former CEO of a multi-million dollar company.

Hold your breath while I go play Pirates of the Caribbean with my dog. It might take 100,000 page views to convince me to keep writing.